The Reluctant Spouse
Disclosure: Post may contain affiliate links, meaning we earn a small commission if you make a purchase, at no cost to you. As an Amazon Affiliate, we earn from qualifying purchases.
Well, reluctant may not be the right word but today we’ll take on the topic of how, at least in our marriage, we’re wired differently. For us, that provides balance in ways that make us more effective but can lead to conflict in pursuit of financial independence, early retirement, and grand family adventures.
I’ll share some of my thoughts and give my “reluctant” spouse, Jennifer, the opportunity to share her thoughts below as well. We hope it provides you some insight or is at least entertaining.
Not for Everybody
This high octane, high energy goal-setting, productivity, and FIRE stuff isn’t for everyone. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every family is different. Our personalities and tendencies influence the way we look at these things. What can seem amazingly freeing and productive to one can look oppressive and restrictive to another.
Jennifer: Preach!
Nerd vs. Free Spirit
Dave Ramsey refers to two categories of people as nerds vs. free spirits when discussing finances within marriage. There are savers vs. spenders. In full disclosure, my wife has never been a goal setter, New Years’ resolution writer, non-fiction reader, etc. She humors me in my consumption of the latest self-help books and listening to podcasts (at 1.3x speed so I can consume more information faster, of course) and then happily pursues her own way – the way that seems best to her.
Jennifer: I like self-help books. I’ve been in the middle of five for a long time now. 😉 It’s so strange how two engineers can be sooooo different. I do make lists if the list in my head gets over-whelming, but Seth is the World Champion list maker. I don’t think we could plan for early retirement or the Great Loop without his planning skills.
The most interesting thing about this Nerd vs. Free Spirit idea is that Seth thinks he is 100% our Nerd and I am 100% our Free Spirit. As mentioned in our About Us page, Seth is all-or-nothing and I am more (can I say?) chill. I’m happy pretty much anywhere. Anywhere that has a safe place to rest my head, that is. I may be a “Free Spirit” compared to Seth, but from the moment I wake up, I have to know where my head will rest that night. Not very free-spirity. I guess that’s the brilliance of traveling in a boat (with our bed inside).
Conversely, our Nerd is also our Dreamer. He dreams of grand schemes and adventure. He wants to leave our secure home for a year of marine nomadness. No job, 365 days of travel, something different every day. That seems super “free-spirity” to me. Let’s just say my life would be much more predictable and orderly (and boring) without the “Nerd” I married.
A Package Deal
We are aligned on our plans, but we each have different strengths, weaknesses, and approaches that fit them. After twenty years of marriage, we are starting to get the hang of what those are. Some, I’m sure, we have yet to explore. Living with another human is hard! We are in alignment on our plans, our motivations, and our values, but how we approach the day-to-day business of living is very different (but thankfully, complimentary).
Jennifer: I would say that I am the yin to his yang, but in actuality, we both have aspects of yin and yang within each of us. Where he yins, I yang, and vice versa. That does lead to conflict, but it also helps us to approach situations from multiple perspectives, and we often come up with multiple solutions to a problem. I am convinced that this is why God put us together.
She “completes me.” I would be an introverted, miserly saver if it weren’t for her big heart for people and generous giving (tithing, supporting missionaries, and supporting other causes we care about). On the flip-side, we’d probably be aimlessly frolicking through life if not for my pursuit of, for lack of a better phrase, “life optimization.”
Jennifer: Thank you for the “big heart” comment, however the “aimlessly frolicking” is a bit much. Seth is such a super planner that anything less seems like frolicking, or reluctance. I am not reluctant about the Great Loop, and I’m definitely not reluctant about retiring early. It IS harder for me to keep to such a tight budget and to nerd out constantly about the numbers, but Seth is correct in that our plans are aligned and that we need both of our approaches to life to make this work.
But Somehow It Works
Although reluctant is probably not the right word, it’s one that comes up frequently in these circles. As I hope we’ve shared, we certainly don’t see things the same way or do things the same way in our marriage. In some cases, it leads to a good balance. In other cases, it probably leaves us blind to opportunities. Somehow it works for us. The message, I guess, is that even if you and your spouse don’t see things the same way or butt heads sometimes on your dreams, maybe there’s a way to see their differing views as a strength rather than trying to bring them around to seeing things your way.
Where do you and your spouse butt heads when talking about your dreams for financial independence, early retirement, or life’s dreams? We’d love to hear we’re not alone!
